


The Best for Both of Us

by janewaystolemyheart



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Anger, Buried Feelings, Confronting Emotions, Defining Parameters, F/M, Fluff, No Beta, Ship malfuction, after Resolutions, it's getting cold
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23459962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janewaystolemyheart/pseuds/janewaystolemyheart
Summary: A lot has happened on "New Earth", now back on Voyager things feel different. Kathryn is worried to overstep a line, Chakotay on the other hand isn't.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a little scene from "Parcs and Recreation" (S4Ep6 "The End of the World)

Kathryn was buried deep into the newest tactical report when the door to her ready room hissed open and Chakotay entered. They had just recovered from the strange virus that they thought was incurable, but as it turned out wasn’t after all, and daily life on Voyager went back to its usual humming bustle. For the crew everything was back to normal, Kathryn’s mind on the other hand was far from that. All the things that happened - and didn’t happen - on New Earth now formed an invisible wall between her and Chakotay, a wall erected by all the unsaid words in her mind and by the things he said when he opened up to her.

Kathryn knew that they could not get back to where they were going on New Earth, maybe over time she could have allowed something to happen, but now that they were back on Voyager it was unthinkable. Or at least it should be. She simply couldn’t forget the intimacy they shared even within the boundaries she had set for them. There were moments when Kathryn’s mind slipped back to the green planet, the woods, the gardening, the bathtub… To all the other things Chakotay built for her to make her a home, to show her how much he wanted her to accept their fate and to make her feel safe and comfortable. Now they were back on the ship, on their way towards old Earth, still years away from their destination and with much more problems on Kathryn’s behalf.

“Commander, what can I do for you?” she asked, knowing that he was not on duty, his visit had to have private reasons.

As an answer Chakotay pulled a beautiful red flower from behind his back and handed it to her over the desk. “I was hoping to catch you before dinner. If you don’t have any plans, I found a beautiful little program on the holodeck, not unlike to New Earth. I doubt however that they have a monkey.” He smiled his charming smile and folded his hands behind the back after she took the flower.

The faint, mesmerizing scent gave Kathryn goosebumps, or maybe it was the way he looked at her, his eyes dark and his lips curled into that breathtaking smile that made it so hard to say no.

“Commander…”

“This will be good for you, for both of us. I know we just came back from a vacation but at the moment everything is calm, there are no inhabited systems nearby and we won’t be out of comm-range, it's just the holodeck.”

“I know what you’re trying to do,” Kathryn said, carefully putting down the flower on her desk.

“What do you mean?” Chakotay asked.

She took a deep breath and lifted herself out of the chair and paced her ready room towards the windows, passing Chakotay so close that their elbows touched swiftly. “We are not on New Earth anymore. That time… it's gone.” It didn’t matter how much she missed it, how much she missed to know him around all the time, to be alone with him, just the two of them.

Turning around she put her hands on her hips, a pose that made her feel strong and confident (both qualities she needed now desperately if she wanted to continue this course of shutting him out), she found him still looking at her but his expression had changed. What was it, that she saw in his eyes? Was it regret? Regret about what? It was her fault, that their relationship stopped developing at one point, she was the one that wanted to define parameters, she was the one who couldn’t let down her guard. “I think for the time being it would be best, if we wouldn’t spend time alone other than during work hours.”

There was a silence, a silence that grew and that filled the whole room, wrapped around them and swallowed everything except the faint noise of the warp engine. Chakotay looked as if all words had left them as seconds passed by and the silence was still there, stretching out.

“Is that really what you want, Kathryn?”

Her breath stopped for a moment. First name. As if they were still on New Earth.

She couldn’t answer, because if she said what Starfleet regulations wanted her to say she would be lying. She didn’t want to lie to him. He knew her, he knew her very well and he knew when she lied.  
“It’s the best for both of us, and the crew.”

He must have noticed that she didn’t answer his question. “But is it what you want?” He inquired, walking towards her.  
She swallowed and turned around, towards the passing stars. No, no it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t. But if she told him, they could never go back to where they were now, never go back to the Captain and Commander relation.

“Kathryn?” He stood right beside her, facing her, his earthy scent rising to her nose.

She slowly turned to him, now standing face to face, looking up into him, to the face she had become accustomed to see every day without all the sorrow in it. Her eyes wandered over the familiar features, the tattoo over his left brow, the dark, passionate eyes, those beautifully swung lips… She almost lifted her hand to touch them, just for a moment, but she controlled herself at the last second.

“It would just make it harder… to act like before New Earth.” Her voice was merely a whisper but he heard her, they stood so close she could feel the heat radiating from his body, so close she was afraid he would hear her racing heart.

“Why does it have to be like before New Earth? We went there, we thought we couldn’t leave, then we could and our journey continues. Things change all the time, people change, relationships change. It’s not a bad thing.” Their eyes locked and she had the feeling as if he looked right into her heart.

When she didn’t answer he reached out and touched her arm, and a shiver spread through her body from the point where his fingers brushed over her forearm.

“I want things to change, Kathryn, I don’t want them to be the same. It might become more difficult but we don’t know it, neither of us can see into the future. Who knows what tomorrow brings. All I know is that I care too much for you to only see you when we work. And that’s not only because you don't smile nearly as often when you're working as you do when you are off duty.”

She knew he was flattering her and it was working, the last words made the corners of her mouth go up into a smile. “I’m the captain, I am always on duty.”“You are the captain, you can always decide to be off duty,” Chakotay argued and came a few inches closer.

“Chakotay…” Her breaths became short and shallow and now she was sure that he heard her heart pumping at a rate that the doctor wouldn’t approve.

“You said, you wanted to define parameters. But you didn’t say they couldn’t involve this.” And with those words he bridged the little space that was left between them, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is furious and confused about the action Chakotay took in her ready room earlier that day. When she goes to confront him, a ship malfunction occurs that forces her to spend more time with him than she initially planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for ouiouibaguettecroissantcafe. You gave me 99% of the inspiration for it, without you this chapter would be much more boring.

Kathryn couldn’t sleep, she could toss and turn as much as she wanted, her head just wouldn’t shut up. 

_ Defining parameters.  _

Kissing was definitely not within the parameters she had in mind. What in the hell did Chakotay entice to kiss her? In her ready room nonetheless. A place where everyone could have walked in on them! Luckily nobody did, and if she was completely honest with herself it had been the best kiss she had had in a very long time, maybe ever. 

She could still feel his lips on hers, how he had pulled her close just for a moment, one hand on the small of her back, the other cupping her cheek. How he briefly sucked at her bottom lip before he drew back, a boisterous look in his dark eyes and slightly panting. The kiss had been over so quickly that she hadn’t have the time to react, she just stood there, frozen, unable to process what just happened. Her silence had unsettled him, maybe he was surprised by his own action or by her reaction, whatever it had been he just mumbled an excuse and made his way out of her ready room. She should have called him back, kiss him back, pull him onto the couch…

Stop it! She admonished herself before this train of thoughts went any further. She was the captain, she couldn’t allow herself the luxury of a relationship of any kind, be it romantic or sexual. Not in this situation, not on this journey. Here in the Delta Quadrant it was crucial to follow the regulations of Starfleet. She had to bring her crew home, she couldn’t allow herself to indulge in too much private activity.

Again the memory of the kiss shoved back into her mind and she sat up, panting and with a racing heart. Throwing over her pink dressing gown (it was late, nobody would see her) she rushed out the door and through the corridors until she reached his quarters. It was late but maybe he was still awake, Chakotay rarely turned in early.

“Come in,” his warm voice called, and indeed, he was still up, not in his starfleet uniform anymore, but clearly not yet on his way to bed. “Captain,” he exclaimed in surprise. “I didn’t expect...”

“Oh, cut the crap, Chakotay,” Kathryn growled. His eyes widened even more in astonishment as she began to pace up and down in front of him, hiding her uncertainty about how to continue or even start the conversation in an angry frown.

“That’s an unusual outfit,” he tried to break the silence.

Kathryn shot him an enraged look. She was not in a mood for jokes. Off course this was an unusual outfit, what did he expect? That she slept in her uniform? She finally came to a halt and blurted: “You had no right…” Her breathing went heavy.

“What do you mean?” he asked, putting away the book he was reading.

“That… kiss. In my ready room. Earlier today.” She crossed her arms in front of her as if she needed to protect herself.

He didn’t answer, he just looked at her, searching in her face the true feelings behind her anger. He knew her, oh, he knew her well, and he noticed that the reason for her appearance close to midnight in his quarters was not the kiss itself but rather was it awakened in her.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped a line,” He eventually said and stepped towards the replicator.

“Overstepped a line? You basically tore down a wall!” Her voice got louder with every word.

“Two glasses and a bottle of water,” Chakotay said calmly and the replicator did as he was told. Just a second after the objects materialized all lights suddenly went dark and the stars outside the windows came to a stop.

“What happened?” Kathryn asked, still fuming but with her normal voice.

“I don’t know. My replicator usually doesn't do that.”

Kathryn tapped her combadge. “Bridge, this is Janeway, what’s going on?”

No response.

“Engineering, this is the captain, we just lost all the lights in the quarters and it seems we dropped out of warp,” She tried again, but nothing but silence was the answer.

“Is anyone receiving this? Please respond!”

Now Chakotay tried the contacting someone with his badge with no different result. Walking towards the exit she almost bumped into the door as it didn’t open, she tried several times, unsuccessfully. “Seems like we’re stuck, there must be a power failure” she mumbled and turned around. The only thing that lightened the room now were the stars.

With a sigh Kathryn sat down on the couch, trying her combadge again and again until she gave up and everything that was left was silence, darkness and Chakotay. She cursed inwardly until the man, who was nothing more than a shadow in the dark sat down next to her.

“I am sorry, Kathryn,” Chakotay said after a few more minutes of silence. “If I stepped over a line earlier. I didn’t mean to put you into this position. I thought we were on the same level.”

She rubbed her forehead and shook the head. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to face the situation, or her feelings. But here they were, just the two of them and nothing to do but to wait until communications were reestablished and someone could tell her what was going on. To settle their problem this was as good as any other moment.  


She sighed and tilted her head so she could see him. “It’s not your fault,” She said in a low voice. It really wasn’t. It was her’s, and her almost impossible attempt to keep up starfleet regulations even thousands of lightyears away from it.

He sighed in relief. “Good, because I don’t regret it for a minute.”

In the gloominess she could only manage to see the silhouette of his face and body. It would be so easy to just give in to the desire, to hug him and kiss him, cuddle up and forget all about starfleet and the rest of her crew, but it was impossible. She couldn’t do it, not with him, not with any member of the crew.

“Chakotay, we can’t…” She sighed. “I can’t.”

“You can’t… what?”, he inquired.

“You know what I’m talking about. You just choose to ignore it.”

Chakotay propped one arm on the backrest of the couch and leaned towards her, his face only inches away from hers. “You’re talking about regulations. Regulations someone set up for events within their reach, within parameters they could more or less control. We, Voyager, it’s crew, that includes you, we are no longer in that space, we have gone farther as anyone from Starfleet has ever gone before. Yes, we need rules, yes, we need a structure and for that the regulations build a excellent basis. However, they don’t fully apply to a journey that takes years, maybe decades through unknown territory. Don’t you think some of these regulations can be bend to make living in the Delta Quadrant more comfortable? We need to support each other, we need to be there for each other and we need to be able to open up to others on the ship. One can only survive for so long away from others.”

Kathryn swallowed. All the words he spoke sounded right. Of course she was never truly alone, her crew was always around her, but she knew what he meant: relationships, intimate relationships where she could strip off her existence as a captain for a little while. 

Starfleet regulations, they were always in her mind, never left her, and occasionally she had bent some of the rules to help them survive so far away from home. But this here was different.

“A relationship would mean distraction, that’s a luxury I can’t afford. It also would make me much more vulnerable and influenceable if something should happen to… my partner..." Kathryn propped her elbows on her knees and gazed into the gloominess of the room. "There would be accusations of fraternization and preferential treatment by the crew. I can’t let that happen. I need to be able to guarantee impartiality when it comes to members of my crew.” There was so much have in mind, if it would ever come to a relationship with her and someone on this ship. 

Whom was she kidding? If there ever was a potential for a relationship with anyone it was Chakotay, the man that supported her whenever she needed him, the man she could trust with her life and who was not afraid to speak his mind in front of her. A strong leader, a wise and insightful mind, deeply anchored in his beliefs. Since day one she had felt the connection between them, not romantically at first, but that part grew over time and especially blossomed on New Earth.

“What are you thinking about?” Chakotay, who had observed her face in the dark, asked. He must have noticed the change inside of her.  


“New Earth,” she answered absentmindedly.

“It was beautiful there, wasn’t it?” He leaned back and exhaled noisily.

She nodded and they fell back into silence. Kathryn had a lot to process, again. She knew Chakotay for almost two years now, she knew that he never made a decision just for his own profit, he acted instinctively but considerate. He would never go this far and kiss her, or even suggest a relationship if he hadn’t regarded all the aspects that came with it. How long had he been feeling like this? On New Earth he had made his  emotions towards her crystal clear, and she rejected him. Rejected him because she didn’t want to let go of the past that was the present now once again. She had been clinging to the hope that she would find a cure and be able to get back to Voyager so she didn't have to face her emotions. Now they were back on Voyager and back into the chain of command. Back.

New Earth had shown her how much she really cared about him, how much she enjoyed his company when nobody was around, when it was just the two of them, even when there were boundaries, parameters as she had phrased it, that kept up some distance. 

“Do you wish you could go back?” Kathryn asked without looking at him.

Chakotay shook his head. “No. But I wish that the time there won’t be shut away by the both of us. What happened on New Earth happened, I can’t take my words back and I don’t want to. Things have changed, we are no longer alone on a distant planet anymore, now we have a ship to get to Earth once again. But does it mean we can’t take the memories with us?”

“I’m not saying, we have to forget that time…”

“A lot of couples already found themselves in the crew and it’s nothing to be afraid of. We knew that that was going to happen. And in my opinion it’s a good thing, it will make us stronger over time. Why should you be excluded from that?” He was observing her, she felt his eyes lingering on her profile as she swallowed.

He knew why, she knew it too. Regulations. Fraternization. Impartiality. All those were words that held her back. How long would she be able to hold up all the regulations? How long would she be able to withhold of all the things she was missing when she was alone in her quarters? She knew that she could stand on her own, she had always been independent, and yet, holding somebody or being hold could feel so good, not to mention all the other things that came with a close relationship.

She rubbed her eyes, fatigue was coming over her and she felt cold, too. Was it because of her thoughts that tried to keep all the warmth outside that Chakotay was willing to provide for hert or was it something else?

“I believe the environmental systems are malfunctioning. It’s getting colder,” Chakotay said as if he had read her mind. He got up and walked towards his nightstand, she could not see what he was doing but the moment he left her side she suddenly felt terribly alone. A few second later a flickering light illuminated the darkness and Chakotay turned around with a candle in his hands. “It won’t keep us warm but at least we have some light. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.” He put the candle down on the nightstand and looked towards her. 

He seemed to evaluate if their conversation should continue or if it would be better to leave it be for the moment. In the end he decided for the latter and declared: “It seems as if you have to spend the night here. You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Nonsense,” Kathryn objected. “These are your quarters, I’ll take the couch, no debate on that,” she added when he was about to contradict.

“As you wish.” He brought her one of the pillows and his blanket and placed it both on the sofa.

“Won’t you get cold?” She asked, but he shook his head. “Don’t worry. I’m used to worse.”

She smiled for the first time this evening. “Thank you, Chakotay.” He nodded and went back to his bed, she watched him lay down, back turned towards her, maybe to give her some privacy, maybe so she wouldn’t see his face. The candle was lighting the back of his head, the black hair, his broad shoulders. He really was something to look at, and since New Earth she looked at him differently. She enjoyed looking at him, examining him, watching him work, talk, laugh. His simple existence made her life a bit better.

With a silent sigh she laid back, curled up in the warm blanket that smelled like him and she caught herself taking several deep breaths of the scent before she closed her eyes and made herself comfortable to sleep. 

But sleep wouldn’t come. A million thoughts raced each other through her head, Chakotay’s words, memories of New Earth, Voyager, what was wrong with her? Was everybody safe? B’Elanna was on the night shift in engineering, she probably was running around, trying to figure out a way out of this while the captain was here, in Chakotay’s quarters trying to sleep, unable to help.

Chakotay, he hadn’t moved since he went to bed, was he sleeping? How could he sleep? He made her mind a total mess today and remained unaffected himself? Maybe he was already at peace with his feelings.  


Time passed and the temperature dropped lower and lower, it was not long until Kathryn could see her breath in white clouds in front of her and she began to be cold even under the blankets. She lifted her head and looked over to the bed, Chakotay was still motionless, only the little flame of the candle flickered and threw his shadow against the wall.

Screw it, she said to herself. This was a special occasion, if things continued to go this way they would both freeze to death if neither of them took action. As quietly as possible she got to her feet, took the pillow and the blanket and tiptoed over to the bed. Chakotay opened his eyes as soon as she touched the bed. So he hadn't been sleeping...  


“Kathryn, are you okay?” he asked, worry in his eyes.

“It’s cold and the temperature is still decreasing. If we use our body heat to warm each other we can endure a bit longer.” She slipped into bed and threw the blanket over the both of them, but still kept at least one foot distance between them, ignoring the fact that the idea with keeping each other warm wouldn't work properly if they laid this far apart. Her heart was beating rapidly and she took a few breaths to calm herself. “Weren’t you cold?”, she asked, turning her face towards him.

“I was beginning to,” He said.

Their eyes locked and for a moment Kathryn forgot everything around them, the power failure, the cold, even the ship. It was as if once again Chakotay saw right through her and into her mind, he could read her like a book, even if she tried to keep it closed. She felt her body filling with warmth just by the fire in his eyes, and if the room had been lightened she was sure he could have seen how pink her cheeks turned. Luckily that was not the case and she could simply turn over on her back.

“We should try to get some sleep,” she mumbled, looking at the ceiling. “I have the feeling that we will need our strengths within the next hours.”

From the corner of her eye she could see him nodding. “Sleep well, Kathryn.” He said and closed his eyes once again.

His breath became slow and deep after only a few minutes. He looked peaceful and Kathryn almost reached out her hand to touch his face, the tattoo... She wanted to trace the fine lines with the tip of her fingers but something still held she back. Ridiculous, she thought. All this is ridiculous. Why not just go for it? Nobody would ever know, nobody but him… Could they keep a relationship secret on this ship? They already spend one evening per week together having dinner, would someone notice if it happened more often? Would someone even care?

As careful as possible she slid a bit closer to him, closing the distance between them just like he did it only hours ago before he kissed her. Eventually she was so close that the tip of her nose almost touched his. Her breath was shaking as she lifted her head a few centimeters and for a split second touched his lips with her own. 

Thinking she didn’t wake him she bedded her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Her lips still tingled where she touched him, a warm rush went through her body and made her smile. When was the last time she felt this way? Even if she could remember it was impossible to answer because in the next moment she was distracted by another kiss on her lips, not light and careful this time, but confident and deep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 3 coming soon hopefully?

**Author's Note:**

> There might be a second chapter, I am not sure yet :)


End file.
